The sun will rise again

Hey and welcome to my blog!

With this blog I'm fullfilling a little dream of mine - speaking up about topics that are still rarely spoken about: mental illnesses in competitive athletes.

Few months ago I would have never believed that I would ever open up about my own story, simply because I was to ashamed to do so.

But admitting struggling and asking for help is the strongest decision you can take!

This blog is about so much more than just struggles and recovery, it's about dreams and all the little & good moments in life.

few lines & memories about the last few weeks🌊🌼

comebacks are often associated with grit, glory and great success. but hardly anyone tells you how it feels when it doesn’t work out.
last winter was probably the best winter prep I ever had. I could finally train constantly for a few months and stay physically healthy at the same time.
but I‘m not gonna lie that my psychical illness wasn‘t still a big thing in my life. the good days became more & more but the deepness of the bad ones stayed almost the same. I did everything I could, took all my medication, did all my therapies but when I started racing again I realized in a pretty harsh way that your mind needs to be in a really healthy head space to be able to deal with everything that comes with racing. long story short: somehow, although I wanted this comeback so much, my mind, heart & soul weren‘t ready for it. racing bikes used to be a passion but for the last 1.5 years it always felt like a big burden.
currently trying to find back the spark in life & finding out who I really am (without bike racing).
not really sure yet but one thing is for sure:
there is light, always🔆

great first week being back racing alongside my new teamies🤍💃x surrounded & supported by our amazing staff!!🫶🏻

slowly learning to be patient & in love with the progress✨ happy with my (and our) racing & the rest will fall into place sooner or later🤝❤️‍🔥

on the other side of the clouds is a bright blue sky🌞

if you told me few months ago that I would race my bike again tomorrow, I probably would have ironically laughed or screamed at you🤪🙈. crazy to see how far I’ve come those past few months (with the help of so many amazing people!🫶🏻) on and most importantly off the bike. to be able to get back racing & falling in love with this sport again feels super special and is nothing I will take for granted✨.

out with the old, in with the NEW🤩💃🚀

#newbikeday

been hopping around some spanish islands lately
🏝️🌋🌞

gratitude ✨
[the feeling of being grateful and wanting to express your thanks]

grateful for the people who helped me through this year, especially this one🫶🏻.
I called you in tears after my first night in the impatient clinic while you were sitting in the car towards a stage of this years TdS. but no matter how far we and our realities were apart during these times, you always keep believing in me!
thanks for showing me the stars when I can only see the darkness✨.

three years full of ups & downs. although this season took completely different ways than expected, I’m super thankful for all the opportunities I was given. all of this wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for @natascha_knaven who gave little me the chance to develop at my own pace and experience everything that racing in belgium brings🤠🇧🇪🪨. so many lessons learned (even a new language🤪) and lots of friendships made! bedankt voor alles!!🫶🏻

september sunne🌞
okay mit dem wo gsie isch, dankbar wies gad isch🫶🏻

sometimes, you need to change your altitude⛰️

🎢🌊🏝️🏄‍♀️🌅
For years I kept silent about how I feel towards most people except a handful.
In our society psychic problems are still a bit of a taboo subject, especially in competitive sports and honestly I just felt ashamed for having these kind of thoughts and struggles while the world is facing so many bigger problems. For a long time I thought I‘m just not trying hard enough and I‘m simply to weak.
But it’s a matter of fact that mental health struggles affect one in two people at least once in their lives. That’s the reason why I want to open up and share a bit of my own story: Besides good times and successes I fought and I’m still fighting against depressive and atypical eating disorder episodes since seven years. I’ve been doing several therapies for the same length of time.
But this winter/spring that wasn’t enough anymore. Another, bigger wave hit me and that one made me feel like going under water for several weeks. For a long while I just kept swimming against the waves. But at some point I had to stop and take a break from almost everything in my life. I also started a medication treatment to become more stable again. Medication is a good thing but antidepressants don’t work the same way as painkillers. They need some time to unfold their effect and often it gets much worse in the beginning. That’s exactly what happened to me. I couldn‘t keep going anymore.
I needed a calm island and lot’s of help to learn how to surf life’s waves again.
I’m not there yet and probably this hasn’t been the last storm but I can promise you that fighting is worth all the little but magic moments of happiness along the journey.
I don’t know yet if or when I will be back racing but no matter what I’m going to do next, I will keep fighting for myself and my dreams. Life can be pretty rough and full of ups and downs but we all deserve to feel happy and healthy. So take care of yourself & your beloved ones and don’t hesitate to open up and ask for help!
The clouds around might look extremely grey but the sun will always rise again🌞

not everyday is sunshine but when it‘s here: soak it in🌞

like a déjà-vu….
almost the same, just one year later🤪
same suffering & same cool race🥳 @voltanxtclassic
but we stepped up another place on the podium with @julia.kopecky__ 🤩🫶🏻 and rounded it off with a nice top ten for myself

post @tourdenormandie feels like
😴🥵☔️🌼

but enjoying the process & supporting my speedy teamies🤩🥳

swapping the (wannabe) model poses for race moves soon
🤭🤩⚡️💃

📸 @mirreknaven xx

almost ✌️ weeks of living this proper cycling lifestyle

gracias amigos for the good times, the slipstream & making it feel like vacation🌞
wouldn‘t have been possible without the amazing support of @schweizersporthilfe, thank you!!

peace out malle✌️🏝️ & see u in 3 weeks!

sorry (not sorry) for the gravel spam🤭… but I just can’t get enough🤪🤩🥳 🤯❤️‍🔥captured by @tomhardies 📸

still daydreaming & thinking about how I should describe those five hours of racing🤯
the 2023 gravel world championships race 🌈 was one of the craziest, most epic and steepest things I’ve done in life so far!!
but damn, don‘t remember the last time I enjoyed racing my bike as much as I did last saturday❤️‍🔥
super thankful @specialized_ch for providing me this fast, little roubaix bike😍

n & n went bikepacking - mission #findvarese 🥳🤪🇮🇹🫶🏻🍹☕️🍰🌞

fought with my whole heart & couldn’t be prouder of the girls❤️‍🔥🥹🫶🏻

europeans are just around the corner👀✨
bit of a bumpy road leading towards it as I’m dealing with a tired and empty body since pushing through sickness while racing a whole week at Tour de l’Avenir (but it was worth all the memories made🤭) for sure not what I wished for but it‘s absolutely not the end of the world & a good reminder that we‘re all just human beings with limited resources😇
but one thing is for sure: I’m gonna race with my whole heart and everything that’s left in my body for my teamies tomorrow🫶🏻🇨🇭🥳

watching @linda_zanetti sprinting towards the win & celebrating it as a team was definitely my favourite moment during last weeks first @tourdelavenir_femmes 🫶🏻🤩🥺🥳 and for sure we couldn‘t have done it without the incredible team behind @swisscyclingteam ❤️

this is your sign to race @zuricrit next time too!!
😉🤩🤪🥳

my first elite 🌈 race felt like the craziest rollercoaster ride I’ve done so far🎢 including all the highs, some lows, few bumps, lot’s of twisty turns, an incredible crowd🥳 & an outstanding support by @swisscyclingteam 🫶🏻

swipe to see the cutest spectators🤭😍

mountain blast🏔️🤩🫶🏻 feat. chli rege☔️, ein kaputte schalthebel, drü nasesprays, paar powerades, kilowiis gummibärli🍭, gnueg kaffi☕️, übermässig (gege)wind💨& z viel höhemeter😴… but the best is yet to come!!🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌈

few days off😴💆‍♀️🌞🧁☕️🐬 to get ready for the next adventures…🏔️🌈

spontaneous weekend trip to ride🚲, rest💆‍♀️, drink (a lot of) coffee☕️, watch sunsets 🌅 & just enjoy life to the fullest🥰🌞 🔜 now off to some racing!

time to roll down the sleeves…🫡 back to racing this weekend🤠🥳

first belgium trip of the year was filled with the sunniest blue skies🌞, stormy rain showers🌧️ and everything in between🎢 body needs some more rest after crashing but can‘t wait to do it all over again🤭🤩

last saturdays madness captured in✌️pictures 🤿☔️🐷🤪🤩🥰 thanks girls & staff 🫶🏻 @aginsurance_soudal_quickstep 📸 @cyclingmedia_agency

australia 09/22 🇦🇺🌈🦘

raced my bike & had a really really really good time✌️🥰

crazy three days of racing last weekend🤩🇳🇱
good times with @aginsurancenxtgu19 finished off with @julia.kopecky__ getting 2nd in gc🥈🚀 happy I could finally play a little part in it🥰

📸 @bastiengason ✌️

last years worlds left me hungry for more... some months ago I never thought to still make it to worlds🌈 this year, buuut here we go😍 grateful & excited to represent @swisscyclingteam on the other side of the world soon🇦🇺🦘🐨🌏

yesterday I rode my last mtb race in their colours 💙❤ but forever thankful for the past 6 years together with @raiffeisenracingteam ✨️

FLANDERS🌈

we came for more but so proud of our fight! we're just getting started�🥳
& the biggest "thank you" to @swisscyclingteam for supporting us better than we can dream of❤

thanks for always having my back❤ in good & bad times💫

racing fast
& the confetti rain were a blast🎉

#zäggbängmeringue💥

2020 wasn't all sunshine but still brought us some rainbows🌦🌈

seems like pre race 🍋 cake wasn't the worst idea🤪🙈
📸@bastienruffieuxphotographe

happiness is fast✨

so much fun racing with you @_moniquehalter_ 🤩🥳

📸: @bastienruffieux_97 @lukasiseli

my @thoemus rocket showed me its home trails today @swiss_bike_park_oberried 😍

wAs i aM mEiScHtE vErMiSSe; d' wELt MiT eU UnSiChEr z' mAcHe✨
#goldfischfamily🐠💞

The past few months have been quite challenging, but I'm so happy to be back riding bikes and having fun together with my most favourite teamie @l.0124.h 👯‍♀️🚲💗

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@noelleruetschi